On disappointment

In advance of the election, Gordon school counselor Hallie Riggs prepared these notes on disappointment:

Our instinct as humans is often to shield our children, and ourselves, from disappointment. One of the most positive (and challenging) things we can do is to feel our feelings—especially the uncomfortable ones. 

Expert proponents of the brain-body connection tell us that, when feelings are acknowledged and processed, they tend to move through us. When feelings are ignored, discounted, or belittled, they can manifest in unhelpful ways: avoidance, physical pain and discomfort, anxiety, depression, rage, to name a few traps.

Another common reaction to disappointment is the urge to immediately fix it by doing something. While action can be helpful, it's also valuable to teach kids (and maybe remind ourselves) the importance of simply noticing and accepting emotions. Disappointment, like all feelings, rises and falls. No feeling is permanent. By recognizing this, we can help children understand that while their emotions are valid, they don’t have to dictate their actions. This ability to feel something deeply and still remain safe and constructive is a skill that will serve them well throughout life.

That said, there are times when taking action is important—especially if it’s a way to channel disappointment into something positive. In moments like these, you can introduce the idea of the "circle of control": what can we change and what is beyond our control? If you, your child, or anyone in your life is disappointed about something outside their influence, gently remind them of the choices they do have and where they can direct their energy to make a difference, even if it is something as simple as doing a really good job with their homework, practicing their favorite hobby, or playing outside with a friend.